Here’s a throwback!!! My first ever blog post from April 2013!

This blog post was written on 05/04/2013

Okay not sure where to start or what to do here but I’ll give it a go!

Basically I’m 19, living in Kildare ( really a dub) & I have a two year old little boy, Lee.

I fell pregnant at just 16. I was with my boyfriend Scott (17) just shy of a year when we found out I was pregnant. Although I knew my parents wouldn’t disown me, it was the one of the hardest and most terrifying experiences telling my mam. I told her via text about an hour after we took the test, well 5 tests to be precise. I don’t regret how I told her, even though some people looked down apon the fact I told her through a text message, I have complete respect for my mam but couldn’t bare th thought of disappointing her.

The following few weeks were rough, intense, awkward, stressful and to make matters worse, my nanny was in her last few weeks of Life. My parents were constantly running up and down to Tallaght hospital, leaving me home alone most nights. I kind of liked it though, I had time to get my head round the fact I was going to have a baby at age 17, the age I was supposed to be out trying to get into nightclubs. There was no fuss & no attention on me whatsoever, rightly so. I wasn’t terminally ill, I was just pregnant, right?

3 days before I turned 12 weeks, my nanny passed away, leaving us all empty. She was the 6th member of our family and did everything with us. I strongly believe that things happened the way they did and when they did for a reason, It put everything into perspective, on one hand there was me, pregnant at 16, still in school and no job, not an ideal situation of course, but was it really the worst thing in the world? No, of course not. Then there was my nanny, losing her fight against cancer.

My nanny never found out I was pregnant, we felt she would feel like she was leaving more behind . I know she would be crazy about Lee, it hurts me so much that their lives never crossed. Things went pretty much downhill from then on. For 3 weeks after the funeral I was getting abusive phone calls, texts, bebo messages from Scott’s new girlfriend & her friends, pretty pathetic, as soon as the news broke she left him, as If I didn’t see that coming…

Myself & Scott had very little contact after that, whatever contact we did have was usually an argument. I went through my first 5 months of the pregnancy with the support of family & friends, I was finally getting over Scott. The thoughts of what life would be like for us when the baby arrived wasn’t on my mind, visitation etc, I had just assumed he wanted nothing to do with it. That was okay with me, I called the shots, nobody would get in my way & as for help, I had plenty of family & friends basically throwing themselves at me!

It was a Tuesday night, about 10:30, after literally only mentioning his name, I got a text. A text that made me feel very excited yet prepared for more disappointed. The text was from Scott, telling me how he’s changed, how he wants to prove it, he wanted another chance. I got that feeling where I was so happy to hear this from him, but i couldn’t admit it, I was determined not to let my guard down. Things progressed within the next few months, I had decided to give him one more chance, solely on the fact I was hopeful. We gradually became parents weren’t keen at the start, only for my sake. January 8th 2011 we got back together. After 12 hours of Labour, February 20th 2011 @ 08:26, Lee Kayden Bevins was born. My mam was with me for most of the labour & delivery, I knew when Scott finally got to come in & see him, he was gutted he wasn’t there to experience the birth with me. I really felt guilty but it was me delivering & I needed someone who knew what it was like. He knew from the day we started talking again that my mam was going to be in with me.Two days later it was home time. First stop was Scott’s house. We were greeted by all his family, friends & neighbours. I was on such a high but equally exhausted, things were hitting home, he’s really here! I had my first meltdown when I realised I had forgotten the teets for the bottles, screaming baby, noisy people, I was completely over whelmed. The baby blues officially hit!

When Lee was 6 weeks old I went into post natal depression, spent a few weekends away in Limerick with my aunty just to get my head around everything. It really helped & I got through it, but I still feel guilty I missed those few weeks of Baby time. It doesn’t last long! I decided not to go back to school that year as I only had 4 weeks left until summer. October in 6 th year I had decided not to continue with my leaving cert year. I missed a lot of school in 5th year due to snow & being pregnant, I was extremely overwhelmed with what I had to catch up on & finding the time to do it. It was A very difficult decision, but I was living in Kildare and going to school in Dublin, it was tough. When I got home from school, had dinner & did homework, I had no time for Lee. I know a lot if teen parents finish school, I know it’s possible, it just wasn’t for me at that time.

Today, Lee is two and a month & a bit, a lot of work, and myself & Scott will be together 4 years in June.
Things are looking up right now, I think writing these blogs will help as a coping mechanism, life as a teen and a mommy is pretty hectic after all!

I know this is very long, so many things flying around my head I’d like to write about, I’ll leave it at that for this one 😉

Becx X


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