I Hey everyone, It’s been a while!
I’m not entirely sure what to title this post as yet, nor am I entirely sure what I’m going to write. The plan is to write whatever I’m thinking and the elimination process can occur afterwards.
Lately I haven’t been feeling very motivated or inspired about anything, so thinking of something to write about came as a challenge. Even tonight, I had to drag myself out to the car to get the laptop so I could write this. I’ve found that a lot lately, I’ve really had to force myself into things. I go from not being able to sleep, to only wanting to sleep. Depression has been a part of my life for a few years now and luckily I’ve only really had 2 or 3 very low stages. Sometimes I don’t know what brings it on, and sometimes I do. Since I moved to Kildare 10 years ago, I never really allowed myself to be open to making new friends. I was 14, had a boyfriend and a group of friends I had to leave behind. I moved to a new school for 2nd year, which I felt was an awkward year to be ‘new’. In 1st year, everyone mingles and finds who they click with, so when 2nd year comes around, most people have already established their groups. I hated everyone, and everything about kildare.
I don’t want to make this post about what happened years ago, so fast forward 2 years later, I met scott, and through him, I met Emma. We became really close, like sisters. Spent all of our time together. We were friends for 5 years before we fell out. People change, our lives change and we have to keep going. Fast forward to the present, I find myself with nobody. It’s only really when the depression starts to creep back in and I’m desperate for someone to hear me out, that I realise just how alone I feel. Now of course I’m not really alone, but anybody who’s experienced depression will understand how it feels. I have a supportive family, as well as Scott’s family, a boyfriend who loves me and who has stuck by me through all of my low times, a healthy Son and on top of that all of the material things I’m lucky to have.
The thing is with depression, when someone says they have nobody to talk to, the chances are they choose not to speak to the very people who are there. When things are good within life outside of how you’re feeling you think, ” well everyone is happy, I don’t want to go mess that up” or when things aren’t going so well you think ” well I dont want to add to that and make things worse”.
I try to be vocal about how I feel, but because I don’t have the huge group of friends, I dont know where to put how I feel. If I post on social media, I’ts taken down within minutes usually because I’m afraid of being branded an attention seeker. I hate burdening Scott because I feel like he’s heard the same shit for years now between self harm, eating disorders & depression. My best friend who I basically grew up with has a little boy now and lost her own mother only last year, it feels wrong to dump my mess on her. I don’t want to speak to family because things are good, why upset that? This is that feeling of ‘being a burden’.
I have tried many things to occupy myself from how I feel. I do makeup, go for a walk, colour, clean my room, have a bath. Anything that will distract me from how I feel and prevent me from dealing with how I feel in the wrong way. Life has been so incredibly hard lately, waking up in the morning and thinking ” here we go again”. The smallest things are a struggle, trying to remain calm and positive and patient with Lee so he doesn’t think I’m horrible & leave him with memories of his mammy being a miserable git, or walking into a room full of people, feeling so self conscious and disgusting that all I want is the ground to swallow me up so I can disappear. Its hard.
Its like having dark shadow on your shoulder, constantly whispering negativity into your ear,reasons why you should be sad while you’re trying to fight back, but it wins, I’ts voice is louder than yours.
I feel like this is my ‘safe place’ to put out how I feel. Somewhere to get it all out of my head. I find myself getting angry at people because they can’t help, and angry at life because I have to live with this dark cloud that I have to constantly fight. I have been in that place where I felt no hope, felt there was no way past this & tired of fighting and I completely understand why people feel like they have no other options. It isn’t always as easy as ”talk to someone” for reasons that I mentioned already . How many people who say “hope you’re okay” will actually follow up and see how you’re doing? and more importantly, who. I know I’m not alone and there’s millions of people who have or are feeling the same way. Mental health is still very much taboo and it needs to change. What can we do?
This too, shall pass.